Post for 1 July 2016



At school today .. I don't know why but I felt so misplaced and so sad .. even thou today should have been a happy day .. I was always on the verge of tears. I have no idea why these past days I've been so emotional. It's odd because I usually don't show any emotion. Right now while I'm writing this, I'm remembering what happened.

The funny thing is that I felt like I was invisible... like I wasn't there .. like the part where everyone apologized to each other .. no one really came to me but I didn't mind .. It's just I have no idea why I felt so lonely. There are times where I isolate myself ( Ok. a LOT of times ) cause I just don't want to interact with people anymore.

I cried once again ( SO MUCH CRYING! ) when I got home and laid down on my bed. I just can't .. it hurts so badly. I don't know why but it does and it just makes me feel like I'm nothing to them. Well, that's what I've been feeling. I don't know what they think of me. But all I know is .. everyone that I used to have is slowly disappearing from my grasp and I can't do anything but just watch. Tears are the only way of showing how broken, disappointed I am. A fake smile is not that valid anymore cause everyday I faked on a smile I think and it just hurts. I don't know why but I'm emotionally drained and I can't feel anything that much anymore.

I'm also always so mad and easily triggered .. *sigh* .. I don't know anymore. I fake everything just to please everyone when what I really want is to scream so loudly and cry. I'm so tired of them all and I don't really know how long I can pretend until I breakdown into raging, crying fits.

I'm so tired. I've been pretending for who knows how long and I'm afraid of when I'll burst into shouts and tears. When that time come, I'm not sure if they even have anything to say to me cause I've been keeping these emotions for a long time. There are times where I just wanted to scream and just say 'SHUT THE F UP! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MISERABLE I AM!' but then again .. *sigh* they'll just abandon me.

I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what I'm feeling or what I truly feel sometimes cause all of these emotions just sometimes mix up and I ended up with nothing. NOTHING. I feel nothing because I have felt too much and can't feel anymore.

I felt numb and don't care what others feel anymore. Yes, I'm sometimes selfish but then again, when are humans so kind? There are a lot of times where I considered suicide cause that's just the final option for me. I felt hopeless, useless .. but now .. it became worse .. now I feel like I shouldn't even exist. It's like just by living, I'm burdening the entire universe.

• "I really wanna go and die .."

• "When people start treating you like nothing, you start feeling nothing."

• "The more you show your weakness to them, the easier they can break you."

• "I want everything to end. Please death. Knock on my door!"

• "Goodbye cause tomorrow may never come and I would love if it wouldn't."

• "I'm so sick of saying sorry when I'm the one collapsed on the ground." 

By : Izzy.

Goodbye.

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